the magical world of taylor ;;

That's right fella's .

Thought you lost me ? Well think again .

I'm back, and ready to narrate.

So does everyone remember, the sweet, innocent little Taylor they met just last september?

And lost track of around Febuary?

Well boys & broads, she's not the same chick she used to be.

Need a little catching up to where I was last ?

Check out my last few posts on my old blog, trust me, I need a re-cap too.

http://themagicalworldoftaylor.blogspot.com/

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Wow , okay. Now I know where I stand with what you all know about me. The thing is, I have changed so much in these past few months I don't see what my point is to even making a blog. It'll be like, so yes. These have been my mistakes, don't do this too, but heck yeah it was a lot of fun making them .. ?!

Anyways , I suppose I should enlighten you all on everything that has gone on ..

Weelllll, around the time I stopped posting, I had hit a time with alot of stress. My best friend Aaron[whose blog name WAS Mark] developed a cruch on me, while I liked a guy named luke. However, Stephanie[Hillary] also liked Luke, though she had never met him. I went out with aaron for a very short time somewhat out of pity, and when he found out I only did out of pity he completely turned on me. Luke was talking to Stephanie every night on the phone, Dana[Kate] and I were falling apart as I was with alot of other friends, and my mom's alcoholism was steadily getting worse.

It sounds ridiculous and I hate talking about the worse mistake I have made in a short amount of time, but the next thing I did, I went to the bathroom and grabbed a razor for shaving legs. I then tore the razor apart, and started striking the blade across my skin. I had cuts all up my arm and it hurt terribly. I had never thought about doing something so horrible months before.

As things still got worse, Or so it seemed, day by day I went to school wearing long sleeves, bracelets or jeans to cover the scars now forming on the insides of my thighs and wrist.

After that, it became an addiction. Whenever someone pissed me off, or if I got upset, before I would think to cry or scream into a pillow, I would run to my secret stash and grab another razor and tear into my once soft, clear flesh. I still cut, I can't stop. I've tried counselling, to no help. I've been diagnosed with depression, and often have thoughts of killing myself. I've attempted suicide before.

Mistake #2, I've started drinking. Alcohol.

As the months went along, I found myself becoming more and more, popular. I became best friends with a girl named Jessica, who is exactly like me but live in the next town over. We have sooo much in common. One night I was with her and Bryanna[Heather], my brother was having a party and we decided to accept the drinks that were being offered to us. My mom had passed out hours before, so no worries. The room started to get a little fuzzy and I started to get a little happy. I was liking the feeling of being intoxicated.

Since then, when I get a hold of alcohol, I drink. Not very much, because since I'm small it doesn't take much to make me well, not sober. DRUNK.

A third change since .. my old blog .

I met a boy , in April.

an amaaaaaazing boy.

His name is Brenden. I fell in love with him instantly. We went out for lunch one day, he was in grade 9 and I was in grade 8, and he was grounded so it was the only time we could see each other. I was so nervous to see him, but we got along amazingly and we talked alot and it was really easy to talk to him.

Even on that first day we hung out alone we were cuddling, and then he was teasing me like we had known each other forever, I turned around and he kissed me.

Brenden was such an amazing guy. The first few weeks we dated, I felt so attached to him and happy that the thought of cutting was in the back of my head. He knew just how to make me feel amazing. We promised each other forever.

I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO BRENDEN. The best thing about it was, he never pressured me. In fact, it may sound odd, but I assured him that I was ready. He kept saying, "It's not up to me, it's up to you Taylor. I'm not making you do something you don't want to do."

I said to him, "I can't think of anyone I'de rather lose it to but you."

So, it happened. And after that, it happened many more times.

Of course, no boys are perfect. Or atleast the ones I've found so far. You see, to put it oh-so blandly, Brenden is a pothead. A stoner. SOMEONE WHO DOES DRUGS ON A REGULAR BASIS. But only weed. He never pressured me to do drugs either, actually, he made sure I didn't. I just hated it when he was high when I really needed him. Like when I was feeling the need to cut, and I couldn't get ahold of anyone or my counsellor. One night he was too stoned to answer his phone even though he neglected coming to my house to watch the firewords, and ended up blowing me off completely. If I remember correctly, I cut that night. But he felt terrible in the morning. I forgave him obviously, but that didn't make it okay ..

Me and Brenden had our problems. But as we said when we always talked about them, it wasn't actually us, it was other people. His exgirlfriend/ major whore, rosalind would always get in between us. Spreading rumours that her and Brenden were still doing shit so that we would break up. Meanwhile a 19 year old was, "falling in love with me" and bassically doing the same thing Rosalind was. He was telling people we were having sex.

Of course, it looked worse in my case , since Brenden "hated" Rosalind, and I was best friends with the 19 year old named Mike. So i always trusted him when he told me , " I never said that! "

Four months later, I still was in love with Brenden. And he loved me too, but had lost almost all trust with me. He hated Mike, he knew whenever we were around each other Mike would try to do stuff with me. And I had stayed at Mike's house a few times because I was too drunk to go home. I went away to camp with a heart full of worry.

I came back from camp to alot of confusion, I had about 9785237653497 text messages asking if me and Brenden had broken up. I didn't understand why. I called Mike, and he told me that the night before him and Brenden got into a huge fight and Mike had won it. He also told me that Brenden's facebook profile said he was single.

I signed onto msn and had a bunch of offline messages pop up. There were a couple from Brenden, they said things like .. "I still love you, so much, but we can't be together anymore. I'm sorry. I did something stupid that I regret. Don't ever forget that I love you.." etc etc, but that we couldn't be together. I knew then that he had cheated on me with rosalind. I guess i can be sort of phsychic at times, because before even talking to anyone else or Brenden himself, I knew exactly what had happened.

About a week later we talked about getting back together. I was crying to him. But we both said we had lost alot of trust in one another. It was very emotional. We hung out that weekend, and decided that we should just be friends because it would be hard to go back into a relationship after everything that happened - happened. That was also somewhat emotional for me, but it seems to be working out alright. For the most part. Besides the fact that Bryanna is now "seeing" the guy I've recently fell in love with, and am still in the process of falling out of love with. It is so hard for me to see them together. It makes me want to puke. I'm not even saying this out of jealousy, but they are terrible together. However, I already expressed my feeling to Bryanna. Theres nothing else I can do, its their own shit ..

Mistake number four ..

Well, I'm not exactly drug free anymore. I think an accomplishment I made was that, though I was dating a complete stoner, I never did any drugs with him while we were dating. The first time I smoked marijuana I was with Jessica, and on occasion I will smoke it with her, or with Sheldon, or with Anna, or sometimes with Bryanna, and sometimes some of my older friends who are guys.

* * *

So now that I've cleared up the mistakes, I can talk about some other things. I've thought up a little Q&A session for myself.

Taylor, whats your favourite thing about your life right now?
I would have to say the fact that I am in highschool, and having the time of my life. I've made alot of new friends who I love spending time with. The good times and friends I'm spending them with are what keep me goin' every morning.

Taylor, who would you say are important people in your life at this moment that you are afraid to lose?
Actually, at the moment, there is only one person I am actually terrified to lose. I mean sure, I would be extremely upset if I lost say Dana, or STEPHANIE, or Haley, but I'm worried about losing Jessica. I can tell her absolutely everything and we get along extremely well, but I'm so scared to lose her because she is going through depression like me and has also attempted suicide. I don't know what I would do if she killed herself.

Taylor, what would you say was the hardest time for you during these last few months?

The hardest time during the last few months would be when me and Brenden broke up a first time, though it only lasted a day and a half. The night after it happened, I cut myself so many times, outside the arena, that I had to go to the hospital. It was terrible. I was on the side of the road, bleeding and crying, until an elderly man and a young couple [that I have now become friends with] came to help and called 911. Before I knew it there were ambulances and about 75-100 people around watching me being bandaged up. They were also watching my friends and me cry, and me being pulled in and out of police cars and ambulances while answering stupid pointless questions. I will forever recall that as the worst day of my life. I went to the hospital and was questioned for hours upon hours, but they let me go finally. I talked to a friend of mine named Mike, not the one that liked me, and I also talked to Brenden that night when I was admitted home. Brenden and I got back together the next day. It was emotional.

SERIOUSLY gurl. Are you ovvaaa that boiii BRENDEN yet?!

Also an amazing question.. Yet to be answered. Haa , I'm kidding. I want to say yes, but something tells me no. Like, I have no intention of getting back with him, but at the same time I get so sad when I think about what we were and what we had and I miss him. I feel like I still love him but almost in a past love sort of thing. My feelings change alot about this subject. Infact even today, I wanted to run out of class and find him and make him listen to this song that reminded me of us, yet once lunch passed I had no intention of talking to him. I know I couldn't go back after everything.

So, I'll be heading out now. I'll talk about more recent stuff next time I post, which will hoefully be very soon. =]

And I'm talking maybe even later tonight, hahaa =]

taylor,

die young - stay pretty